Birdy-Bones

It's a bit fucked up. Isn't it? I apologise to you for you being angry at me. I am not that strong. I am not strong enough to tell you that I am not in the wrong for once. I cannot turn my mind off, I cannot fix my eyes. I can't stop feeling my feelings. You want me better by tomorrow. It does not happen overnight. It does not happen quickly, or easily. And it will not happen like this.

I am not beautiful, I am rolls of fat and a bad complexion. I am chapped lips and smudged eyeliner. I am not worthy of you, or anyone or anything. I am not funny, or clever, or kind. I'm awful. I am not self depricating, I am honest. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I am a trainwreck, and I bombarded myself into your life. I ran you over. I am so sorry. None of this is fair, I was selfish, and I had to have you. I had to make you love me. I wasted nearly a year of your time. I wasted your air, your love, your life. I am so sorry. I am dramatic and senstive. I yell and fight. But I love, I love so hard. And that is what's killing me. I didn't love like this before. It's absolutely horrifying. I stopped hurting myself, and started letting you. Not in the way I would expect. You held me and kissed me and loved me so much. And that killed me. I don't know how to love you back properly. I can't even cry, I ca

Everything is temporary. My wounds, My scars, my tears, you. You're still here. For now You are a caged bird, your wings were so broken, but now you're better. And you want to fly. I know you do. You want me to fly with you, but I don't know if I can. My wings are clipped. I don't know if I'm brave like you. I don't want to be scared, but I am. I'm so fucking scared. I can't even eat, I can't even look at you because I'm so ashamed. How the hell am I supposed to fly?

It doesn't hurt anymore. It just stings. The wounds were already there, you're just the salt that topped them off. I could fall down, and as soon as I get up, you'd push me back to the ground. Why do you stay here? Why won't you let me be. I want so much to be happy, to be free. But you won't let me. You can't. I'm yours, and I might always be. He can't love me with you around. He can't touch me, because of you. You've ruined me for anyone. I'm black and cold on the inside. I don't want love, I want emptiness. I don't want you, but you won't let me go. You can only love me when I'm broken. But he can't. And I can't get un-broken. And I am s

I want to cut open my skin. I can't do that, though. That is not ok. It is not ok to be sad, or angry, or hurt. It is not ok. It is not ok for me to starve myself. It is not ok to see black and white spots opening up my eyes before I hit the ground. It is not ok to tell boys that you feel ugly. It is not ok for you to hate yourself. We're put into a box and told to sit, eat, stay. I want to scream and cry and throw things and cry some more. But that is not ok.

I haven't had the time or the breath or the words. Tonight the air was thick with you, trying to talk to me, though. Somedays I think I'm better, and somedays I know that I'm really not. When you finally slide under my door and crawl under my skin, that never seems to fit right, I just cannot shake you. I sometimes feel lonely without you. And I've noticed that loneliness taste a lot like blood. Bitter. Metallic. I can't abandon you this time, you know I need you. That's why you came back. Isn't it?